Shortly after our DDay #2 – about a year ago – I was communicating online with another partner of a sex addict and she related that her husband had been active in SA for several years but had only completed Step 1 and Step 2 of the program. I was kind of baffled and couldn’t help wonder if she was being played or strung along. Why would it take him so long to work through the Steps? Why not make progress if he could?
Fast forward: As of April 9th, Handsome has 18 months of sobriety. He has attended SA for 13 months. The number of Steps he completed? Zero.
I was feeling like a hypocrite. (I know, I know… his recovery is his recovery, not mine… I do get it. And I know that 12 Step isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but if you pick that as your path to recovery shouldn’t you actually make the effort to work the Steps?) I stewed in silence wondering whether Handsome really had any interest in recovery. I pondered whether I was being played and strung along. I mostly kept these thoughts to myself, but every now and again I’d ask him whether he thought I was giving him 12 years to complete the 12 Steps. He always assured me that he was working on it.
This morning, Handsome completed Step 1 with his sponsor. I don’t really think there was ever any sincere doubt that he is powerless over his sexual compulsion and that his life had become unmanageable, but it took as long as it took for him to make the effort to complete the Step. Handsome reports that he feels tremendous relief to have completed Step 1. I can’t really relate, but I’m glad he feels good about it. He has planned with his sponsor to meet a few times over the coming weeks and complete Step 2 by the end of next month.
This has been a good couple of weeks for us. Not perfect, but peaceful and mostly happy. We are connecting pretty well and he’s making a lot of effort, both with me and with his recovery. That’s good. I know it can be fleeting at this stage, but I’ll gladly bask in it for as long as it lasts.
Thing are looking up my dear!! So happy for you!
A little good news goes a long way. 😊
I have just blogged about some of the times I stopped & listened to the messages life sent me; about how often we choose not to see them, now you have written this. It is so true that we should acknowledge the positives as well as the negatives. The thing that stands out for me is that he was so pleased that he had completed step one, and how this has motivated him to complete step two. Add that to the sincere apology and signing your post nup I would say there are a lot of small things there, that pieced together start to make a bigger picture. Keep control, but relish the good stuff my friend. Moisy ❤️
A wise person said to me very early on that I shouldn’t let the bad days destroy me, because they can be fleeting. And he cautioned that the good days can pass just as easily. During the first year, that was definitely true for me. It was like being on a roller coaster without being strapped in.
I am hoping that we are now entering into a new phase of our recovery, where there will be longer periods of peace and fewer and more far between incidents of strife. I have always tried to be fair to Handsome in my writing (I don’t know that he would think I’ve succeeded, but I’ve tried) and I agree that acknowledging this apparent change of heart – or at least this spurt of increased effort – is important. This feels like it could be the start of a different part of our journey. Time will tell. I’m also trying to ensure that I acknowledge these positives in real life too.
❤️
I haven’t been reading or writing much while I’m away, but I wanted to tell you how happy I am that you are experiencing some truly positive recovery moments with H. These are such important steps to healing and I’m so happy for you! 🤗🤗🤗
Thank you!! And keep making the most of your “you time.” 😊
❤️
I’m smiling. Hope is rising. And there is measurable, positive evidence to support it. Bask away!
I’ve got a perma-smile too right now. 😁
This is wonderful news! I do think it is the start to a new phase of your journey. I agree that you should bask in the good feelings. Part of my personal growth has been to do just that, to bask in any good feelings that come from any source. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
Since the bad days I’ve had over the last 16 months have been worse than anything I thought possible, I’m truly grateful when things go well. I’m basking like a boss this weekend! 😊☀️