A Change of Heart?

Just when I thought I had a few things figured out, my husband went and surprised me. I was prepared to write a post about how nothing particularly positive was going on for us. I was prepared to tell you about the lack of progress we are making on addressing the subjective things on my list of needs, because we weren’t making any such progress. And then… like pulling a rabbit from a hat… my husband surprised me.

About a year ago I told Handsome that I wanted a post-nup with an infidelity clause. My feeling was/ is that I’m bearing all the risk in staying with him and that he needed to share some of that risk too. (You may disagree, but that’s how I feel.) He always said that he understood why I wanted the post-nup and that he didn’t think it was unreasonable, and then he’d kick the can down the road a few more months. That cycle continued over the last year. When we worked on our CSAT’s assignment of developing the list of my needs, it was on my list. Handsome had it on his list of my needs too and I was happy to see it there. When push came to shove though he said that even though he understood why I needed it and that it wasn’t unreasonable and would help our healing, he couldn’t ever see himself signing it. For me it has always been a deal breaker. It was devastating to hear him admit – after an entire year – that he’d never sign it. Add my recent HPV test result to that mix and I was living in angry, sad, confused misery. I started to secretly take some very small steps towards separation.

I understood fully that I was watching Handsome’s oppositional defiant disorder traits rear their ugly heads. I wanted him to do x, therefore he would do y and take pictures… even if it meant burning his life to the ground. He acknowledged that to be true in what had to be a very painful session for him with our CSAT. He admitted that he feared that signing it was “giving up too much control.” (Control of what?  He couldn’t say. Most likely he actually meant protection from consequences.) He told her that he really wanted to sign the post-nup because he knew how important it was to me, but he was sure if he did it would eat him alive with resentment later. She booted him to his own therapist to work through that resentment. We stopped talking about the post-nup, or any of my needs really, in our sessions.

Life continued as normal – kids, date nights, appointments, and arranging schedules. To me, it all felt a little hollow. I am trying to plan a family trip for my 50th birthday later this year and it was hard to get enthusiastic about it because in my mind I was wondering whether our family would be intact. (Am I booking a trip for 5 or just 4?)

And then… something shifted. I don’t know what.  Handsome called me out of the blue and (i) gave me the most sincere sounding apology I have heard from him in a very long time and (ii) told me that he was ready to sign the post-nup. He thanked me for “giving him the space he needed” the last few weeks to get to that decision, and told me that even though he has done a crappy job of showing it, he wants to prove to me that he’s 100% committed to me and our family and our healing.

To put this into perspective, last Spring I also told Handsome that I wanted him to have a vasectomy so that I did not have to worry about my children having some skank’s kids as their half siblings. (Actually, I was probably even more blunt than that.) With 15-20 other sexual partners during our marriage, that possibility was not out of the realm of reason. As alarmed (terrified? mortified?) as he was at the prospect of having work done on “the boys” he jumped right on that (comparatively) and had the surgery months ago. Signing this document though? Nope. No way, no how. His agreement to finally do this is HUGE.

It wasn’t 100% unicorns and rainbows between agreeing to sign and signing. To complete the document I needed some financial information from him that I didn’t have readily available. When I asked him for it his reaction seemed to indicate that there is simmering resentment present even now. It was hurtful in that moment, but I told him so and I explained why. And yet I also understand that his  willingness to do something for me that makes him uncomfortable (and/ or a bit salty and resentful) evidences a different outlook than he had for years. He is putting someone else – in this case, me – above himself. In this instance he put my comfort ahead of his own.

For me, this is a sign that he’s finally willing to put something on the line as it relates to his future sobriety. It’s not a guarantee that he’ll stay sober. There is no such thing. It also doesn’t mean that we’re suddenly “all good.” It is, however, an assurance for me that he is going to bear some of that risk right alongside me. It means that he isn’t prioritizing his feelings over mine. I no longer feel as though I’m over rough seas, walking the plank on my own.

20 thoughts on “A Change of Heart?”

  1. I made a post nup a condition of us even attempting reconciliation. In our state, we could not make it contingent on infidelity. It protects me regardless of any reason in the case of divorce. It is an assurance for me that should anything cause us to divorce, I will be financially okay. Good for you!

    1. I think my husband had to get to a point in his recovery where he felt that he had control over whether or not the infidelity clause would ever come into play. Last Spring when I first raised the issue, he was sober but probably struggling in ways I couldn’t easily see. I am guessing that he felt as though putting his money (pension) where his mouth is (“I understand the trauma I caused and won’t do it again”) was a risky proposition. I believe – he may disagree – that he evaluated where he is in his sobriety and recovery and what his current stressors are and decided that relapse is unlikely and that he has the tools necessary if he finds himself in “pre-lapse” mode. Regardless, I’m glad he signed. I know it wasn’t easy for him, but it is a huge trust-builder for me.
      xo

      1. Agree…it helps with the trust aspect. It does go a long way to put his money where his mouth is. Will had opened several credit cards in my name and used them to fund his addictions. Those have all been paid off now and he no longer has access to any of my credit info, passwords, account number etc. My trust only goes so far. 😉

        1. That’s a very wise move. The best thing I ever did was to keep control of my own money in our marriage. I can’t imagine what horrors Handsome would have engaged in if he hadn’t been at least somewhat constrained by his paycheck. “Lucky” for me most Asian massage parlors and escorts are cash businesses, although he did go through a cash advance phase and max out his two small cards. I’m not paying those suckers off no matter what. Trust only goes so far these days, and my graciousness has limits too. 🙂

  2. This is HUGE. I’m so happy you got what you needed to boost your strength. It must have been so devastating when he said he couldn’t see himself signing it – totally see why you would have at least temporarily checked out of the whole thing. It looks like he must have a decent therapist if they could get to this milestone. There sure will be resentment on his end – but that’s not unlike the resentment a betrayed spouse will always have, at least in hints. Just a feeling to experience and then let go – hopefully his therapist will help him understand this, too. I’m so happy for you!

    1. Thank you! I do think he put in a bunch of effort to get to this point. I truly appreciate that he did that for me. I am always grateful for the “easy” stuff he does, but I recognize that this was a big challenge for him. It means a lot to me that he put the effort in to work through his issues and meet one of my needs.
      ❤️

  3. Good for you for knowing what you needed to feel safe and for insisting on it. As horrible as being betrayed like we were was, it truly is an opportunity for personal growth.

  4. I have always respected and admired your list of needs and your ability to stand firm in requiring that they be met. That is something I have lacked and/or wiggled around with too much. They haven’t been clear to either me or my husband much of the time, which I think plays a significant part in our continued struggles.

    It is so promising that Handsome has been able to make such a huge step for you. Even though it was painfully long in coming, perhaps it is easier to trust that it is genuine and sincere knowing that it is not just a quick response to appease you. I am so glad that hope for your healing and protection is growing stronger. xo

    1. Thank you Cynthia. I do think that one of the reasons this feels so… big… is that it was such a long time coming. It was also a bit of a nick-of-time thing. I really needed this. Maybe he realized that.

      I can say that every month that passed with this as an open item was a month I didn’t feel very firm or confident. It just happened to work out eventually.
      ❤️

      1. Well, certainly there has to come a time when we recognize that we cannot wait indefinitely for our needs/requirements to be met and we have to accept the consequences of either our own inaction or our partner’s. So definitely there is an uncertainty and shakiness in that waiting period. Fortunately, we do not always have to feel confident and firm to be confident and firm. In any case, this open item has been closed and we can celebrate the security and hope that brings your heart!

  5. Yeah! So happy he is getting these done for you. I know it is not a cure-all, but it is so helpful to see that they are willing to give safety measures to you and the kids, that are not just if you stay in the marriage, but if you decide you need to leave it too. After years of selfish behavior, it is most deflinitely a step in the right direction.

    1. I felt incredibly unsafe with this as an open issue. It made me doubt his commitment and, frankly, probably a bit suspicious too. It is great to move past that.
      ❤️

  6. I am so,pleased for many reasons: as you said he clearly feels more confident in his actions that he will sign it, which gives a second reassurance, and he offered sincere apologies before he told you he would sign it. Small things seem just that, when in fact they are huge. ❤️

    1. Very true Moisy. This one action, made up of some smaller actions, is a giant step forward for us. There’s still a lot of work to be done, for sure, but this is really meaningful to me.
      ❤️

Please share if you've had a similar (or totally different) experience on your journey.