For all the decades I have gone to the gynecologist and dutifully gotten my PAP and HPV tests, everything has always been negative. Last year, after our first DDay, I promptly scheduled an appointment with my doctor for every STD/ STI test imaginable. All were negative. She performed my annual PAP test but said that she wanted to wait until this year to do an HPV test as my last negative HPV test had been within the last 5 years. At the time, of course, we did not know that Handsome had more than just one affair partner, and that he had acted out in massage parlors and with prostitutes, as well as with a laundry list of other skanks and randos. We did not know how high my risk actually was.
I returned for my annual exam two weeks ago. This year, my PAP was negative, but my HPV test came back positive. More specifically, I tested positive for HPV-16, one of the more virulent strains associated with the development of various forms of cancer. My doctor is lovely and kind and gave me every shred of information she could impart (how my body may clear the virus on its own – although the likelihood of that apparently decreases with age; how we can test aggressively to stay on top of any changes; and how it’s a good thing that we are flagging the issue early; etc.). The logical side of my brain is good. I have a nasty but not unexpected problem, and there is a proactive plan of action in place with a caring and trusted medical professional. The emotional side of my brain, however, is a complete and utter mess.
If I can just vent for a moment… how is it remotely fair that Handsome had really expensive orgasms, and I get an aggressive virus? How did he seriously not know that condoms aren’t magic shields? Did he not read any of the literature when he took our daughter for her HPV vaccination a few years ago? He had to sign a consent form. Did he seriously have her vaccinated for something he knew nothing about? In what way was this outcome unlikely or unpredictable based on his behavior? I am really f’ing hurt, sad, crushed, dismayed, and enraged that he put me in this position. (Insert deep, cleansing breaths here…)
But that’s not the half of it. When I tearfully shared the news with Handsome, he looked stunned and crushed (as he should). And then he opened his mouth. What came out? Not “oh, God, what can I do?” or “you must be so upset, and I am so sorry.” Nope. He turned around and walked away from me and said under his breath to himself “I can’t take any more of this.” Seriously.
He did, shortly thereafter, come back to me and hug me and very briefly say he was sorry. And then…? Nothing. I have been living with him in complete shut down mode for the last two weeks. He is sulking and pouting and barely able to hold a conversation with me. He has stopped making his SA calls. I haven’t seen him journal. He has been to one and only one SA meeting.
At the same time this is going on, I have been dealing with very bad news about my elderly mom’s health. She has a pituitary brain tumor for which the course of action is to ensure it doesn’t grow or bleed. That has been going fine except that she just recently developed atrial fibrillation, the treatment for which includes blood thinning agents to prevent clotting. That treatment is completely counter to the treatment for her tumor. She is receiving the best medical care available, but hers is a difficult situation and there are no good or easy choices. Virtually any treatment option she chooses comes with high risk for one condition or the other. I feel as though I am watching her rapidly decline on a daily basis.
So, when I absolutely need my husband to show up and be there for me, he’s off in some bizarre woe-is-me Victimville, moping about and avoiding all of his recovery resources. If I put on my empathy hat, I can imagine that me testing positive for HPV is hugely painful for Handsome. I can guess that he sees it as a reminder of how dirty his actions were and how careless and irresponsible he was and – perhaps most troubling for him – as evidence of how he not only failed to protect me, but he actually exposed me to harm. That all has to be terrible for him. Fine.
I can put myself in his shoes, but he still needs to dig out his big boy pants and spend a day on my side of the equation. I am stuck living with the consequences of his actions. Those consequences may have been unintended, but they were far from unpredictable.
More to follow…
Same here, friend. I go every year for a colposcopy to scrape pre cancerous nodules. I am miserable (physically) for a couple days, but emotionally, it floors me for a week or so. I also get stree-related HSV breakouts while Will, who gave me these disgusting STDs, rarely gets any symptoms. It’s gross and unfair and horrible. 😣😢
It is just so phenomenally unfair and horrible… there really are no words. I’m still struggling with disbelief, even though I knew this was a possibility. The angry side of me wants to berate Handsome and ask him whether all of his acting out was worth it. Of course, I know it wasn’t. So does he.
xo
I wish I didn’t understand…but, alas, I do. Completely. **hugs**
So I understand why he may have felt so awkward, and Helpless: in that he cannot change what he has done. However the comment was unnecessary as he walked away. I understand that it took coursge to come back and hug you, but……even if he feels ashamed for where he has put you he has to face that reality, that fear and accept that. Going quiet may be a sign of shame, or it may be that he is pressing that ‘I am an arsehole’ self destruct button’, I’ve fucked up so now I am going to give up! (I think they all do that from time to time) Whatever it is: you and your life has been affected. What about you? (Rhetorical, always rhetorical)
You know I will offer support all the way, but you need to think about you now: what are you getting? Is it enough? What do you want? … and so on.
Sending a hug, always. Moisy ❤️
I think he has had his finger on the self destruct button recently. He slides very easily into victimization mode. Too easily, to me, given all of the therapy he has had. We’ll see if he can rebound. We are going to have to rebound as a couple as well (more on that to follow).
Xo
I am so sorry. I very clearly remember the day when my HPV positive came back, with two aggressive strains that I carry as a memento of his actions (and I was actually grateful I didn’t get HIV os Syphilis or Gonorrhoea, ha). It’s infuriating. His reaction is also very infuriating. Selfish. This should not be about him. Whether it’s painful and shameful for him – it should be, but who knows where his head and heart are – should not be the primary concern (neither for him nor for you), you have such a big heart for even going there. This is about you, and your pain and your heartbreak. It is your ‘terrible’, not his, even though he caused it. Sigh. This was such a missed opportunity for him to show remorse and… love. So sorry you have to deal with this. Big hugs.
Thank you MWS. I am so sorry that anyone has to deal with this, and it seems as though a large number of us do. I can’t believe that my husband was so stupid. Stupid if he thought a condom was the end all be all in STD protection. Stupid to not understand HPV or how it is transmitted. And stupid to think the whores he picked somehow had a Good Housekeeping seal of cleanliness. He was delusional. Now I’m paying the price for that delusion. It’s the height of selfishness that his addict efforts at self-soothing and making himself feel better have come at such great emotional and physical cost to me.
He did miss an opportunity to show remorse and empathy and love. I think he knows that now, but it was crushing in that moment. I appreciate your hugs and support!
xo
My heart is so broken for you, tears literally rolling.
I can’t even fathom how you didn’t crack him over the head with a candlestick after his mutterance. What he’s transmitted to you is no different than hiring a hit man or holding a gun to your head playing Russian roulette while you’re sleeping. He’s put your life in great danger and has taken enough of your time away from your precious children and family.
We need you. Please take care of yourself first for now, your children second, and your mom third. Handsome can take care of his own shit and life for now. I know how much empathy you have for him, but this is your time – you need your own empathy for yourself to make up for the lack of his to you.
Biggest hug imaginable <3 xoxo
Thank you, as always. And your comment about cracking him over the head is almost prescient. Posting on that today.
xo
You may certainly vent for all the moments you need to. I’m sorry that in the midst of this brutal time with Handsome and your own health, you must also wrestle with your mother’s illness and suffering. Each situation is crushing on its own. Together, beyond imaginable. And yet you endure with grace and dignity. I know you will be okay. You will. xo
Thank you Cynthia, but hold those thoughts on grace and dignity. I’m not exactly worthy of them (see the forthcoming Part II).
xo
Yeah, you are. I just read your post and may head back over there to comment later if I can clear the tears from my eyes. You understandably snapped. Was it a pretty moment? No. Your uncharacteristic actions have shocked you. But you owned it. With humility and integrity. My words stand. My heart stands with yours. You are worthy. ❤️
I appreciate that Cynthia. Thank you, as always.
xo
The most enormous of hugs.
Like the others, I know this road well, too. Roger NEVER ONCE used a condom. And was “shocked”- and bizarrely, angered (at me?) – by my HPV (also a virulent strain) and chlamydia diagnoses. His words? “She’s clean.” FFS.
I have been on 6 monthly smears since, had three LEEC procedures.
Of course, I then had a VERY fast growing cancer occur, with a lymphectomy performed a couple of weeks after he left me, followed by six weeks of radiotherapy.
His reaction when I told him about the pending surgery? After mgaking love, lying in his arms, tears falling, my body shaking. “You’ll be alright, Snooks. You’re a tough cookie.”
Roger’s reaction to all of this was complete nonchalance. He never took any of it seriously. He never seemed to feel bad either for me, nor for giving me these diseases. He is still the only man I have ever slept with.
I think there is a huge empathy chip missing in some of these fuckers I don’t believe to this day he has any perception or understanding of what he did, what the long term effects of this disease are for me. He never read a damn thing, and all three of our kids are vaccinated.
Sorry, blackacre. So much anger xxx
Handsome’s empathy chip is definitely damaged, if not missing entirely. I think on some level he does feel horribly, but he is utterly clueless about what to do with those feelings and how to communicate with me. That is the part of him that is broken.
It’s actually kind of fascinating. There have been times during our marriage where he has truly shown tremendous empathy and compassion and support for me, even for prolonged periods of time, and other times where he just turtles up and hides in denial. This is the latter.
xo
I hear you, blackacre. I thought Rog was the same. I wonder now if I was projecting? He SEEMED sorry and loving.
But how the hell could he do this again, lie his arse off again? If he cared for me, how could he break my heart again?
I hope he can be there for you, sweets xxx
Omg I’m so sorry.
My mom had a pituitary tumour. She had a number of surgeries for it and eventually radiation as it was very large and impacting her vision.
She is also on blood thinners. And has since had a heart valve replacement. She has never had any issues where the two conditions interfered with each other. They work around the blood thinners of surgery is required.
Your mom will be ok.
Thank you. We are lucky to have world class medical facilities in our city, so she is being very well cared for. If she were younger, removing the tumor would be an easy decision, but at her age the neurosurgeon believes there’s a high risk that the tumor removal would go fine but the aftermath/rehab/recovery from the surgery could hasten her end of life. It’s a challenging calculus, but thankfully her tumor appears stable.
❤️
It’s definitely a complication.
My moms happened at around 65. She’s 80 now. Even after 2 surgeries and radiation the tumour grows back and she has lost all sight in one eye.