Help wanted, please!

Our CSAT has given me some homework for next week, and I would like to request your help. We had a good and very productive – but highly emotional – session with her yesterday. In advance of our next session, I am supposed to create a list of needs that I consider to be baseline needs from Handsome in order for me to stay in our marriage.

Here is what I have so far, ranging from the subjective to the more quantifiable/ provable:

  • truth (Stop lying!)
  • fidelity/ loyalty
  • respect
  • integrity
  • empathy/ compassion
  • exclusive love
  • intimacy (emotional and physical)
  • healthy selflessness (demonstrate that you can be self-sacrificing – not a martyr – for the benefit of others without the expectation of something in return)
  • give me your first and your best
  • sobriety (sexual/ alcohol)
  • full disclosure
  • financial and other transparency
  • complete and abide by an updated circle chart
  • post-nuptial agreement
  • annual STD testing
  • ongoing weekly attendance at individual therapy
  • ongoing weekly attendance at SA meetings
  • participation in group therapy if available
  • ongoing weekly CSAT appointments
  • stop engaging in other behavior that’s harmful to the marriage (e.g. deflection, minimizing, workaholism)
  • dedicated time to talk about the marriage/ check-in
  • dedicated quality time (i) as a couple and (ii) with family

This is where you come in, dear readers. I’ve pondered this list till I’m bleary-eyed. What am I missing? No matter where you are on your journey, and no matter whether your spouse cheated once or is an addict, please let me know in the comments what you think I’m missing – even if it might be aspirational. What would you ask for? Similarly, if there is something on the list you think shouldn’t be there, let me know that as well.

I should note that Handsome is doing a lot of this already. The list of what he isn’t doing is fairly small. There are, however, significant things on that list.

As always, I look forward to and appreciate your thoughts.