Yesterday was precisely 365 days after my husband blew our lives apart last December. It was the day everything that seemed reliable and good in my life felt like it was instantaneously sucked into a black hole, never to be seen again.
The intervening year has, I think, largely been devoted to triage. Yes, there have been signs of progress, but there have also been set backs, even recently. The wounds are still potentially fatal, and they are still bleeding.
In the “good” or positive column I would list that Handsome goes to SA, he goes to his individual therapy, he joins me and participates with our CSAT, he is not drinking, he has been sexually sober for a year, he has made additional disclosures when he didn’t have to, he journals daily, and he says he wants to get better.
I have made progress too. I’m more willing than ever to speak up for myself, I’ve developed a reasonably good sense of objectivity about this mess that is my life. I call Handsome out when the need arises. I’ve taken steps to protect my health and financial well-being apart from Handsome. I no longer cry every day (although I did have a good cry today so I feel like a fraud writing that, but it’s been a few days since the last one so it’s not a lie). I could become a private eye if my regular day job doesn’t work out since I’ve had so much training this past year.
There is a flip side though, and it isn’t as small as I’d like. Handsome still struggles to tell the truth. He remains terrible at availing himself of the resources available to him. He acts out in non-sexual ways (anger). He broke his vow to not drink for a year. After 9 months in SA he has yet to complete Step 1. He continues to struggle with self-awareness and empathy. I believe there are likely additional disclosures to come.
I haven’t been a picnic either. I yell more than I used to or I get exasperated and sigh (which is just a crappy, sad response to anything from an adult). I have said unkind things to Handsome… and often meant every word of them. Some days I still resent him for breathing. I hate that his recovery is a drain on our time and money. I struggle with knowing how broken and damaged he really is. I am devastated that he cared more about self-soothing and filling the void within himself than he did about the consequences to his family. I still ask myself more often than I think I should be at this point whether I should stay or go.
I figured that Handsome would forget the significance of the day. He didn’t. Most likely he remembered because it coincides with his sobriety date, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he’d have remembered anyway.
If I take a moment to reflect, his life is likely better than it was a year ago. He’s sober and is getting help for his various issues. Is my life better? If I’m really honest, I don’t think so. That’s hard to admit, but I think it’s true. The lies and secrets were still going strong as recently as two weeks ago. The only obvious improvement is that my husband isn’t actively cheating on me. No small thing, for sure, but that seems like a really low threshold. Yes, Handsome often tells me that he loves me and I believe he means it. But he did that before DDay too. Yes, he surprises me with the occasional sweet, loving gesture, but he did that before DDay as well. He is endeavoring to be more kind and patient with me and with the kids. What I think I still lack are the basic building blocks for a marriage: trust, respect, loyalty, honesty, integrity, empathy. Those are fundamentals that are still works in progress.
As I told Handsome yesterday, “The next 12 months cannot be like the last 12 months or I will not be here 365 days from now. To be clear, I can’t endure 1 more month of it let alone 12, and I shouldn’t have to. … My “reward” for staying – for continuing to be a part of the shit show – is supposed to be a better marriage and all of the honesty, respect, loyalty, and other good things that go along with it. When is that going to start, because I’m tired of waiting?”
So many hugs BW, yesterday was a big day. I remember hoping to feel some relief on the 365th day post dday, but it was disappointingly not magical (until I had a glass of wine…).
Everything you wrote is so so true; they dumped this huge sack of heavy shit they were carrying onto our shoulders. They feel relief from that load, but now we have the burden. It’s so disheartening, but you are letting him carry some of it by calling him out when need be (atta girl ;)) – so in my opinion, you are still a team.
I know it’s frustrating he hasn’t completed his first step “officially” yet, but in a way he has. He admitted that he was powerless over addictive sexual behaviour, right? I felt exactly the same as you until my psychologist pointed out to me that albeit informally, he has most likely completed all 12 steps. But dammit I wanted him to put in the “formal” backbreaking work – I certainly was. Once she pointed this out to me, I actually felt a bit of relief and felt proud of him (and yes that’s a conflicting feeling, isn’t it?).
There is no right or wrong way to feel or react – you get to decide what you need and when you need it. I hope he gives you exactly what you need so you have a lesser load on day 377.
Hang in there xo
We are still a team, SSA, which is no small thing. I just occasionally feel like I’m Lebron James on the Cavs (or Tom Brady this season in New England). I cannot fix this or carry this load on my own. He is working on himself, which is great, but he needs to work on “us” too. He is, I think, stable enough in his sobriety to do that. If the world doesn’t revolve around him for three minutes he will still live.
His step work is for him, but I think the commitment/ effort that goes into the process is important for both of us. It takes intentional effort to work through the steps. He’ll have to be vulnerable. That’s going to be hard for him but if he manages it he will grow immeasurably stronger. My sense though (I might be wrong) is that his sponsor is intentionally dragging his feet on the steps because he senses that Handsome is still in that dry drunk stage. He’s sober, but perhaps not ready for true recovery. He’s getting there, I think, but it’s like watching paint dry at the moment.
I appreciate your support SSA, and yes, I hope that 12 days and/ or 12 months from now I have a different, better story to tell. 🙂
100% agree xo
No doubt you are tired of waiting. Wading through this crap for a year is exhausting. I continue to have great respect for your integrity, objectivity, clarity, and insights into both yours and Handsome’s behaviour and needs. You are a strong woman, but sometimes others forget that a strong woman still needs love, support and care. So I send you much love and hugs. xo
Thank you Cynthia. ❤️ I think it is true that outwardly I look like I’ve got this all under control when, in reality, I still struggle mightily. I appreciate and gladly accept the love and hugs!
xo
I relate to your feelings so much. I am about 2 months from the 3 year anniversary of D-day. My husband took a long time to complete Step 1. I don’t remember exactly how long, but I do remember his sponsor sent him back to the drawing table with it twice. I do think it is important to do the hard work of the steps. It definitely has been for my husband. My husband continued to act out in weird ways after he was “sober” up until about a year ago when he had his awakening. Then, slowly, he began to change. He struggles with depression now because he is fully aware of how his acting out damaged his life and hurt our marriage. He sees a psychiatrist to deal with the depression. In the beginning I resented the hell out of the $ we spent on recovery, but now I’ve just accepted it. I truly hated being the wife of an SA. It’s without a doubt the suckiest role ever. Lately, though, I don’t really view myself that way. I’m not sure why. In the beginning, I desperately wanted things to go back to the way they were before D-day, which made no sense, but it’s how I felt. Now I struggle to remember how things were before D-day. I’ve learned to hang on to those moments of happiness and joy whenever they come. I haven’t taken divorce or separation completely off the table, but I no longer think seriously about that. In some ways, I hated the isolation of not being able to share what was going on with me. Sometimes it was so hard to act normal and happy at work or with friends. However, now I’ve learned to really enjoy getting away from the “wife of an SA role” and just be myself. I have come to accept that this is a marathon, not a sprint and am learning to pace my expectations. Just know that you are not alone. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful children, and yes, even to your husband. This is a difficult journey. xoxo
I love that you call your husband’s move into real recovery his “awakening.” That just seems like such a good word for what it must be like, both for him and for you. And yes, being the spouse of a sex addict is indeed the suckiest role imaginable. It is lonely and isolating unless you tell the world and, in my case, I’m just not able to do that. I do find myself trying to distance myself from that role these days. It is hard to act normal or happy at work, for example, but I’m actually trying to BE happy and normal at work again (even if that means not much contact with Handsome during the day) because it’s a much needed break from dealing with his addiction. I’m actually sure that I’d go bonkers if I didn’t have work to focus on.
I’m fairly “Type A” and so my natural inclination is to ensure that we are moving towards recovery and healing with deliberateness and intention. I’m finding, and I know, that it’s much more fluid and a lot less linear than that. After a year, I fully see that we are in for a marathon and not a sprint, as you say. Patience is not a virtue that I have a lot of, but I’m learning. Perhaps that will be something good to come out of this for me as well.
xo
I truly hope & pray that you will make it through this without enduring any more pain.
Life is way too short to not be able to breathe & relax. You don’t deserve the stress.
Stay strong:)
Monica
Thank you Monica! With the DDay anniversary in the rear view mirror, things are at peace. It’s cyclical though, I know. It will pass, temporarily, to return again. Eventually the cycles will grow longer and longer. I’ve seen that improve over the last year. It does get better.
xo
I gave us a deadline, if things weren’t better by the January after Dday I was going to reconsider my position. It wasn’t Rich’s lack of action, short of being Jesus he couldn’t do much more, it was me. I have such a strong personality it was killing me. I had to fight my own head. I do think a deadline to reconsider is a good idea, it gives you focus.
Moisy
We do have a lot in common Moisy. My original deadline was pretty much right now. I gave it a year. In hindsight that was likely wishful thinking, but I don’t want to be that person who puts in a bunch of additional years and who finds herself no further along after all that time. I am, for sure, afraid of that.
xo
Yeah I understand that. I stayed because there was a massive improvement in my head, I was writing less in my journal and when I did it was about Rich and I rather than just I! But I still thought about leaving for along while after that year deadline. It’s hard but always put yourself first, you have to.
Moisy ❤️