Learning to Say No

The Way It Was

Breaking a stranglehold has been a lifesaving technique since such training first began in the late 19th century. In fact, turn-of-the century rescuers were taught to break a victim’s “death grip” by knocking the person unconscious.

I can relate. After learning from our CSAT that “there is new information that will be coming forward” from Handsome, I’ve been pondering what that means for me. Conclusion? I feel like a lifeguard that’s about to be drowned by the very person she’s trying to save.

I see very clearly now that Handsome has for years (and continues to) prioritize himself (his comfort, his fears, his needs, etc.) over me. The trauma that staggered disclosures cause for betrayed spouses is well known and, particularly, it is well known to Handsome after two intensives – including one with an expert in the field of betrayal trauma – and a ton of therapy. Yet rather than tell me the whole truth at any point along our journey, he has continued to keep secrets knowing full well the impact of his lies, secret keeping, and staggered disclosures on my health and well being.

I asked yesterday if we were going to do a check-in last night since it has been about two weeks since the last one. I just wanted to get it over with because I was already in “affair mode” from our appointment with the CSAT. He asked if we could do it another night since he was tired. Since I so very often go along to get along, I automatically replied “okay.” It wasn’t okay, however. It was, on a micro scale, just me trying to keep him happy at my own expense.

When I got home I explained that I shouldn’t have said okay because I really wasn’t okay with it, and that we’d have to put it off till next week because I do not want to deal with it on the weekend. I went on to explain that I finally concluded that I’ve got to look out for my own  interests since he has demonstrated clearly that he will not do so. I told him how incredibly disappointed (not surprised, but definitely disappointed) I am that after all this time and everything, EVERYTHING I have been through with him, he still chooses his own comfort (keeping secrets that are “too hard” to tell) over my health and mental and physical well being.  I feel as though he is the drowning victim that I swim out to save and, when I get there, he pushes me under the water so he can stand on my shoulders and breathe while I drown underneath him.

I asked him to sit and really ponder what it would be like if I, his spouse, constantly and to his detriment prioritized myself over him. I asked him to contemplate what our kids would be like, and what their lives would be like, if he and I both acted that way. Finally I asked him, when push comes to shove, what kind of husband always picks himself over his wife and family? And what does he think that must be like for me and our children, to realize that if it’s us or him it will seemingly always be him?

He admits that he has been (and is) a selfish asshole used to doing things his own way. He says he’s “working on” changing that and being less selfish and self centered. He tells me he’s trying to change that about himself. I told him to screw trying. He simply needs to do it. Immediately.

15 thoughts on “Learning to Say No”

  1. I am glad that you put yourself first and said what you needed to say. You have nothing to lose, you’ve already lost it, and trying to find something new. Don’t le it based on the same foundation. I’m rooting for you.
    Moisy

    1. Thanks Moisy. ❤️ When you’re used to catering to everyone else, it’s really hard to stop and try to put yourself first. I’m a strong, vocal person, but I usually find myself using those skills for the betterment of others, not me. I need to add myself into that mix, especially in my marriage.
      xo

  2. Maybe I’m a pessimist or it’s the former addict in me talking, but doesn’t his lip service to the latest round of events seem like just more gaslighting? He knows he’s the drowning victim in your eyes. It’s the place of control for an addict. It’s great you told him he needs to change immediately, assuming you did tell him and not just us, but what REAL incentive to change does he have? You’re really mad right now. But that’s right now. You’ve been mad before. He survived all of those tongue lashings and continued to live the way he lives. What makes this time different? Why won’t things just be back to status quo by next week?

    1. No, Joshua, you are absolutely correct. I’ve been toiling with this, because clearly there is a boundary violation here. Lying is an inner circle activity for him. Realistically, we have no family near us so he has nowhere to go but to a hotel (which, in the end, I end up paying for). My daughter’s 12th birthday is Monday, so that’s a concern as well. I don’t want to disrupt her big day because of him.

      I think the best I’m going to get at the moment is to tell him something like he needs to get to three meetings next week and talk to his sponsor or another SA person on every day he is not in a meeting. He can either commit to that or on Tuesday I find a nice hotel for myself (and he can deal with the kids, pets, chores, etc.).

      Interestingly, I believe that he will receive this as some kind of punishment for the behavior itself (whatever it is that he has failed to disclose) as opposed to the consequences of his lies and secret-keeping. He still lacks the self-awareness to be able to discern the difference.

      1. I think you’re right. When I was still in the thick of it, I would have seen it as punishment for past misdeeds and thought my current gaslighting game was still strong. It’s about convincing myself I always had control.

        1. We’ll see. So far (3 days in) he’s sticking with it. No real complaints. A bit of grumbling, but that’s about it. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes (and thereafter).

      2. Wow, reading this post and your comments brings back how difficult this process is for us… more difficult for you with minor children at home. That constant battle to get it through their thick skulls that it is the lies that are destroying the relationship (and their recovery). And the fact that it is in the end the relationship we are trying to salvage, because we can live on and thrive without them.

        Also the feelings of other people knowing more of the truth about my own marriage than I did. It burned!!! I also don’t know what created the atmosphere for BE to actually make necessary changes… I know 12 step was critical for him, but did the way I handled things help or hurt. I think it helped because I never wavered from reminding him what was necessary for him to achieve to remain in a relationship with me. This process is so flippin’ frustrating and stressful. You are doing really well. I was SO much more emotional than you. It didn’t help.

        My boundaries in the first couple years always included me leaving and him staying and taking care of all those things you mention above. Later on, I contemplated him getting a sparsely furnished separate apartment where he would live and work on his recovery because I knew as long as he had all those other responsibilities they would continue to be excuses. I also know he hates being alone. In the end, the threat of that “apartment” sent him deep into recovery, multiple times. He knew the threat was real.

        As always, hugs!!! xo

        1. I’m not so sure that I’m doing so well, Kat. I try, for sure, but I’m actually fairly certain that I’m developing an ulcer (literally). I feel like outwardly I seem to mostly have my shit together and yet inside it’s a bit of a cyclone. Except when it’s not. This past week I’ve had a few periods of complete and utter calm, but that isn’t really a good thing. I feel like it means that I’m just checking out. Shutting down. Like I’ve just had too much. And yes, it’s not too much of the acting out (of course, that’s awful), it’s too much of the lies and the secrets. I cannot be in a marriage where my husband’s go-to move is to protect himself at my expense. He has done that for far too long.
          ❤️

  3. I know the feeling. I learned how to say no and it feels so good, I am so glad I decided to do that. When you learn how to say no you began to have a peace of mind so good for you.

    1. Thank you so much. It really does feel good to speak up for myself and to look out for myself for a change. ❤️

Please share if you've had a similar (or totally different) experience on your journey.