Updates & Tying Up Loose Ends 1.0

I enjoy shows like 20/20 or Dateline that cover true crime cases, but I’m always a bit sad if there is no conclusion or a “since this story was filmed” postscript. Thus, please accept these updates (in no particular order) to some issues raised in my previous posts:

Fire Dude & the Whore:  Having the Whore’s burner phone in my possession was like keeping a flaming coal in my pocket. It’s mere existence hurt me, and as long as I had it, I had an unsettling link to Fire Dude. He would text me at all hours of the day and night and send me pictures of people he thought looked like Handsome driving by their house. I finally managed to have the burner phone copied and I returned it to him in June. I haven’t heard from him since. He and the Whore welcomed a baby girl to the world on August 4th. That child would have been conceived during the Whore’s affair with Handsome, although he swears that he hasn’t had sex with her since 2015.

Vasectomy: Handsome had his initial consultation with the urologist and scheduled the surgery for mid-October. Given the amount of time he will need to be off – about 2 weeks since he doesn’t have a desk job – it may be delayed due to his work schedule, but he did follow through and make the appointment.

Post-nuptial agreement: This is a work in progress. Handsome tells me that he’s open to it and willing to discuss it, and then it never happens. He avoids it like the plague.  When we do manage to talk about it he says that he feels as if I’m discounting his contributions to our family and that he fears that I’m asking for the agreement only to hurt him. Those are fairly big accusations. I can understand why he might perceive those things to be true. Neither is true. This is solely about sharing the risk of staying in the marriage and protecting me and our kids in the event he is unfaithful again and the marriage ends in divorce. This is a major item on my “I need this to stay” list, so I’m not giving up and I’ll raise it in front of our CSAT if he continues to dodge the issue.

Beyond Affairs:  We just wrapped up the last of the post-intensive calls following our participation in their Healing From Affairs weekend. In retrospect, altogether it was a very worthwhile experience for us. We are (generally) communicating much better than we did before and I think we have a better understanding of how we have each viewed certain things that occurred in our marriage. We have identified our vulnerabilities in tremendous detail and talked through them in a way that most couples never do. While Handsome’s SA puts a slightly different spin on certain things, he still cheated and I’m still a betrayed spouse. There was enough relevant material in the weekend and in the after-care that we both agree it was worth the time and expense. I note for anyone considering their intensive that there are six big follow-up group calls after the intensive. Those are spaced out and are just for the participants of the particular recently concluded intensive. They also have calls every other Wednesday night throughout the year that are essentially open in perpetuity to the people who participate in any of their programs (there is a call for women and a separate call for men). The men’s calls seem to always be pretty secular (as was the intensive itself), but the women’s calls shift through both secular phases and bible-study related phases.

The Flame: Perhaps the gum is wearing off my shoe. Handsome realizes (now, finally, duh!) that The Flame isn’t all sunshine and light. He recognizes that just as he was having an emotional affair with her, she was also equally cheating on her husband. He seems to have gained some insight into why she was such a willing participant with him and what that says about her.  The Flame has gone underground on social media. I had heard that her husband was filing for divorce, but I’m not checking. She seems to have lost one of her two jobs in the last few months. One way or the other she will get what she has coming.  (Karma!)

The Unicorn: Believe it or not, but things appear to be working out for Handsome with his unicorn of an SA sponsor. I’d even go so far as to say that perhaps The Unicorn is an ideal match for Handsome. They resolved their initial communication issues and now talk fairly regularly. He has given Handsome space and time to do recovery work outside of SA, like our affair recovery work from the intensive, and because his schedule is crazy he is forgiving of Handsome’s crazy schedule as well. In short, things seem to be just fine with the two of them.

Today Handsome hits 9 months of sexual sobriety. On Sunday we will be 9 months out from our first DDay. I would say that it seems like a lifetime ago, except the pain is still so very fresh and close to the surface. We are hanging in there together though. I am trying to stay strong, one breath at a time and one hour at a time and one day at a time. Some days I do a better job than others, but writing here helps me through good and bad patches. I didn’t start blogging because I thought anyone would ever see it. I just needed to shout on paper (or a screen, to be more precise). The fact that I have received so much terrific advice, commentary, and support here from men and women that I’ve never met – even when we agree to disagree – has been both a wonderful surprise and a tremendous blessing.  I don’t really have the words to express how much you have all helped me in my healing, but I want to say that I appreciate each of you. Thank you all. ❤️

6 thoughts on “Updates & Tying Up Loose Ends 1.0”

  1. This is such a great idea!! Just look at how well you’re doing! This is awesome and really allows you to see, in writing, your progress – amazing.

    Congrats to Handsome on the 9 months of sobriety, your support and love has had an incredulous impact on this. He is very luck to have you BW, you’re wonderful xo

    Gotta go, Keith Morrison and I have a date every Friday night 😉

    Have a fantastic weekend 😘

    1. He is lucky to (still) have me. 😉
      Just as Mr. P is lucky to still have you.

      Sometimes I feel as though we are stalled or stuck, but when I look even a few months back and can see how far we’ve come – both of us, together and individually – I have faith we’re headed in the right direction.

      Enjoy Keith! And the weekend! 🌞

  2. BW, you have been busy! It’s amazing how much time and energy recovery takes. When we look back at where we’ve been and what’s been accomplished it can be very affirming. Letting go of the focus on the acting out partners, like you are doing, is very healthy. I truly wish I had been able to do that sooner than I was. Once I did, it was like a weight had been lifted. Remember to take time for yourself.

    1. Thanks Maggie! I do need to take your advice and take time for myself. Recovery work is all-consuming, but I have to get back to doing things for me. I’ve been working on that, but when time (or energy) are in short supply I seem to jettison my self-care first. I’m working on it. 😊

  3. I love this idea of the updates. All the little tidbits that don’t necessarily stand alone as a new blog post. I also absolutely agree with you that the support here has been a wonderful surprise and tremendous blessing as we all share this part of our healing journeys together. I’m sure I’m not the only one who also appreciates the love, wisdom and encouragement you faithfully offer to each of us. I am continually inspired by your beautiful spirit. Thank you! xo

    1. I am always sad to contemplate that we are all in the same, sad boat; nonetheless, I am also so very thankful for the lessons and strength we gain from one another. It’s a special thing and I thank you for your part in it.

Please share if you've had a similar (or totally different) experience on your journey.