Handsome and I are going through a good phase at the moment. Life is hopeful. We are getting along well and he continues to work hard on his recovery. I refer to this as a phase though because I know that the winds of change can come swiftly in this stage of our collective addiction/ betrayal recovery.
I try very hard to stay on an even keel. I avoid obsessing. I’m not really actively checking up on Handsome. I’m done looking into his APs other than to check their criminal records to see if they’ve been arrested recently where he works or where we live and to Google certain pertinent info just to make sure that the supposedly parallel lines aren’t crossing. I know I can’t undo the horrors already done. That said, my spider senses are on high alert. Always. I’m hyper-vigilant, but I prefer to say that I’m just more attuned to my surroundings, to be diplomatic.
So, when Handsome and I have an incredible evening together and all of a sudden he becomes quiet and sullen and wipes a tear from his normally dry eyes, I naturally feel a question coming on.
“What’s up?” (I try to keep it light…)
“Nothing.”
With that one word, I feel like I’m set back a dozen steps. I go from rational to nut job in a nanosecond. Outwardly, you might notice no change save, perhaps, for the tick I’ve developed in my left hand since DDay. Inside my head, however, I’m thinking (cue the crazy sirens):
“What is it he feels too guilty to tell me?”
“What lie is he keeping?”
“Is he acting out again?”
“Did one of the ho bags reach out to him?”
“Is he miserable that he’s with me?”
“Here we go… he doesn’t want to tell me that I’m too fat for him.”
“Wait, what happened to sharing our feelings?”
“What happened to building emotional intimacy?”
“He’s throwing in the towel on that already???”
“Asshole.”
All of those thoughts go through my head in WAY less than the time it took you to read them.
It’s exhausting, and I never thought that way prior to DDay #1. Just one more gift from the Infidelity Fairy that keeps on giving.
Yep, the trusty old “what does that blink/smirk/tear/sigh/breath/anything mean” anxiety rears it’s ugly head during these times. There’s nothing like the “nothing” answer to take us back a few steps , because “nothing” was never happening in the past.
Trust your gut – always. If you don’t feel he’s acting out then the tear was most likely shame in feeling what he’s done, knowing how good and complete he feels from spending a wonderful evening with you.
But if your spidey senses are tingling – trust it.
Tick in your left hand, have you had this looked at? I have physical issues from the stress/PTSD as well, but I hope you’ve had this investigated as it may not be related. Please take care of yourself first xo
Exactly. It was always “something” before so how can it be “nothing” now?
And if it is shame or remorse… say so!! Use the tools from these months of therapy and express yourself! That part, to me, is maddening. If stuffing all of your feelings and emotions inside helped bring us to the brink of destruction as a family, why keep doing it? Especially if you’ve been taught the tools in therapy to talk through these things.
The tick in my hand comes and goes. It’s really more of a repetitive spasm along the side of my palm by my pinky. These days it is mostly absent unless I get really worked up about something. I’m keeping an eye on it though to ensure that it isn’t just a manifestation of something larger. Or something different altogether. I’m hopeful that it will vanish completely as time passes.
xo
Mr. P won’t say it either. It’s like he doesn’t want to say anything just in case I’m not thinking about it. You’re right, holding it in and not addressing it is exactly the way they (never) dealt with things in the past. Stuff it in the suitcase and throw it in the back of the closet. The suitcase is going to get full though, then what?
It feels SO much better for us to talk, but talking about their feelings are SO uncomfortable for them. It’s frustrating to say the least, and makes us play the anxiety filled what’s wrong now guessing game. Did you address this with him?
Glad to hear your hand is better for the most part. It’s shocking what trauma can do 🙁
In this instance, I’m embarrassed to say that I just stepped onto the crazy train and left it at that.
We have had other, similar discussions and, like Mr. P, Handsome is terrified of rocking the boat or bringing up something negative when things are otherwise going well. (At this stage, when are we not thinking about their acting out? I think about it when things are going well just as much as I think about it when they are not.) His doc has spent time explaining to him that it might actually be a good time to initiate a challenging discussion, but still he holds out. I get that he wants to cling to the good/ great times and not risk seeing them washed away by something he says, but if he actually said in such a moment “I am overwhelmed with shame for what I did,” I would rejoice because I know what a huge step that would be. He has said those things at other times, often and repeatedly, but usually by way of apology and not really as self-initiated disclosures of his in-the-moment feelings.
GOOSEBUMPS
Oops! Hit enter too soon!
Goosebumps because if he initiated a conversation about how horrible was feeling about himself and his actions, you would scoop him up in your arms and hold him so tight! Mr. P did this once and when I’m feeling angry, I try and remember this and how I felt so so so sorry for him because despite the damage he caused to me, he is a human being and has horrible feelings and thoughts about himself and his actions. I don’t want ANYONE to feel bad/sad (except right now maybe for the whores, someday I hope I don’t).
Of course! I would do anything possible to soothe him and to try to alleviate some of his pain.
As to the skanks? Well, I’m just hoping to one day get to a point where I don’t think about them at all. That would be lovely.
xo
Agree – they’re nothing anyway xo
These moments happen all the time with BE. Where he seems distant and melancholy. The difference, with time, is that if I do ask him about it, I’m not afraid at all of his answer. I used to be, but not any more. It’s not that I don’t care, per se, but that I know there is nothing I can do to help. He needs to live with his emotions. If I do ask him, or asked him in the past (some of which I’ve written about), he’s usually stressed out about something he has or hasn’t done and feels bad. Bad for hurting me. Bad for wasting so much time on his addiction and never getting help, etc… He is never mad at me or critical of me and it is NEVER about any of the acting out partners. He does sometimes admit to missing the feelings he got from the addiction, not sexual, just that it evened his nerves, diminished stress, that type of thing. He has alternate resources now, but nothing works quite like an elicit drug. I do believe him when he says that he never thinks about the women and if I bring it up it makes him nauseous to think about. Most of the time I remind him to write down his feelings and what brought them on, and how he feels, to later discuss with his therapist. When I ask though, after 4 1/2 years, he’s pretty forthcoming. I think it just takes them time. Fear dominates their emotions/reactions for a very long time. xo
Handsome also says that the other women now nauseate him. I’m not quite yet at the stage where I fully believe that (even though they are, indeed, nauseating). I’ll get there in time. And I believe that Handsome will get to the point of being more forthcoming too. I do think that fear and shame tie his tongue more often than I might understand. It’s just concerning because that silence played such a big role in how we got here in the first instance.
❤️
Yeah it did, and unfortunately since they don’t heal overnight it will be there for awhile. It sounds like you two are doing well. I still hate that nauseating women were the drug. It still bugs me, but doesn’t bring about fear or pain anymore. xo
So much of the above thread conversation has been going on in our home the last few weeks too. And like you, I have jumped on the crazy train and allowed it to chug along. Until tonight. The only difference is that my husband has replaced his “nothing” with silence and a blank look on his face. Weird. But it is a characteristic that my daughter uses when she doesn’t want to provide an answer that may cause conflict or that she doesn’t think I want to hear. So, of course, I transferred that onto him and called him on it when he did it again. And tonight had nothing to do with our relationship, although the previous times have. Regardless, it makes my spidey senses tingle. He has been cleaning out the basement the last couple of weeks, and the fridge my daughter had in her dorm room at university is sitting unused in the corner. I suggested we offer to take it to her since one of her roommates moved out and took her extra fridge along with her and she might appreciate having it again. And he just stood looking at me not saying yes or no or what he was thinking at all. Infuriating. And of course, even though it seemingly had nothing to do with us per se, my mind was doing its whirly bouts like yours. Because what the heck are you thinking! Just say it!!
Welcome on board the crazy train, Cynthia! 😂 It would be funnier if it wasn’t so true. Those silences and blank stares and sad faces can set us off on a cascade of emotions. With my husband, he may be shy around new people but among those he knows well he’ll talk your ear off. And yet he manages to stay silent when he really should be opening up and talking and sharing. It is infuriating.
And one thing I know is that I can’t even begin to guess what he’s thinking. I’m just sure it’s never “nothing.”
❤️
There are times when the silence likely does mean my husband isn’t thinking anything at all. However, if we are having a conversation, serious or otherwise, about our relationship or the weather, he darn well better be thinking about something! And if he isn’t going to just spit it out, my imagination will for him and it will probably be much worse.
It is just a little frustrating for me that we got off the crazy train quite a while ago and somehow both jumped back on again. I know better…..
This came up in our couples session last week. The silences unnerve me bc he was often that way when he was acting out. He was afraid of saying something that would give away his double life so he clammed up a lot. I was bothered about this at first but then just accepted it as being “him.” I wanted to be understanding not nagging. And since I like to talk, I filled in the silence. 😀 All he had to do was respond. Now the silences can trigger me bc it causes me to think about all that. The truth is life goes on and presents problems other than SA. Shock! At times SA was all-consuming or at least it seemed that way. Imagine having something to worry about other than SA? ☺️So the silences now are often about other things. Lately I’ve been consumed with an unexpected problem with our finances so I’m the one to go silent. When he asks me why I’m quiet, sometimes I say, “No reason” bc I don’t want to admit I’m worrying about this situation. It embarrasses me. But then I remember his silences and I talk and share my feelings.
Hi Maggie. Interestingly, there were lots of things that I came to accept about my husband pre-DDay that I thought were just “him” or “mid-life him” that I now realize were totally SA related, like his anger issues, ED, work anxiety, etc. And yes, those silences were present then too, likely for the same reason.
We do have great talks from time to time, and he is generally sharing way more than he ever used to, but sometimes all it takes is that one word to seemingly wipe that all away. It doesn’t actually do that of course, but in that moment it truly does make my head spin with crazy thoughts.
I hope that your unexpected issue resolves quickly and well for you. It’s not as if we all don’t have enough on our plates already.
❤️
Hello Admin. I was browsing through posts here on WordPress when I came across yours. Admin, I want to tell you this, you are not fat, you are beautiful. Anything that caused cheating in this situation, has nothing to do with you. You need to let yourself breathe, and take some moments to appreciate yourself and to thank God for making you. Concerning your husband, I am so so sorry to hear about the cheating. I understand how cheating can lower emotional security in a relationship. I am truly sorry. … If you need to talk, I am here for you. God bless you. Have a blessed day 🙂