Like Olaf of Frozen fame, I love warm hugs. From the front, from behind… wherever. I think a good hug is like a tactile reminder of comfort and security and, in the right circumstances, of love.
I got lots of hugs this past weekend. Some great, some I’m still chuckling about. More on that later.
Handsome and I headed off to the Healing From Affairs intensive weekend put on by Anne and Brian Bercht from Beyond Affairs. I was really tense in the days leading up the intensive, and I wasn’t sleeping well at all. Handsome signed us up for the intensive back in January after DDay #1, and we had a couple of phone sessions with Brian over the last few months. In those sessions I found Brian to be a down to earth, frank, no-nonsense guy to talk to, and I wasn’t put off by his history as the betrayer in his marriage to Anne. They appear, by all public measures, to have healed both individually and as a couple. Given where I’m at right now, I laud them for that. It’s inspiring.
There were 20 couples in attendance and my only shock was that so very many of the couples were in their late 50’s and 60’s and measured their marriages in numerous decades and grandchildren. There appears to be no expiration date on infidelity. Among the betrayed spouses, the collective group faced physical and emotional affairs (some, only one such affair, others a few, and several faced many), porn addiction, use of paid sex workers, and a myriad of other horrors. Two of the betrayed spouses were men. One commonality? People can be freaking resilient. While there were spouses there all along the “stay or go” continuum, and at various points away from discovery, not a single one was operating from a position of helplessness.
This was a full weekend of activity, with each night running past 10:00PM. As with any program like this, there were parts I wasn’t crazy about (for example, sex addiction gets short shrift but is at least acknowledged and discussed). For me, the most impactful part of the weekend was a talk that Brian gave where he literally walked the group through each step of his affair, showing how it started innocently enough and then, over time, how his boundary of what was acceptable versus not acceptable moved to accommodate where he was at the moment (cognitive dissonance), and ultimately how he ended up far on the other side of his own boundary and felt “stuck” there. It was deeply personal, raw, and was a much more articulate way of explaining what Handsome has struggled to explain to me. Most importantly, Brian didn’t try to justify or to normalize how he got from one side of his boundary to the other or to make excuses for it, he just told his story.
We also did a vulnerability assessment (for the 18 months prior to the start of the affairs) and Handsome and I broke the scale apparently. On a scale of about 0-168, with 0-10 being low risk of an affair, I think our score was 125 or so. Ouch. While our current vulnerability level is quite low, based on the assessment there are definitely things we need to be mindful of over time. I think it’s something that we’ll do from time to time just to stay on course as a couple.
I left feeling really glad that we went. It was an expense we didn’t need, but it taught us several new tools we can use and it opened each of our eyes to new things and it certainly increased the level of empathy we have for one another (and I had been thinking that we were doing okay on that front, but we are doing even better now).
Now, those hugs…
I’m not a “let’s hold hands and sing Kumbaya” person. I’m just not. I can do it if I’m compelled to, but that touchy-feely thing with strangers just isn’t me. There are a number of times during the intensive when music is used to communicate a concept. On the last full night of the intensive, just before closing the day out, they played a song (it was some 80’s hair band anthem Handsome and I found terribly corny, but the lyrics were on point for the night) and the couples were encouraged, if they were comfortable doing so, to hug one another deeply. Fine. Handsome and I are enjoying the hug with my hands around his neck/ shoulders and his hands (I count them…one, two…) around my waist, and I’m enjoying the moment and then… hey, wait! One, two… three? I felt a new arm on me. Again, I count Handsome’s hands in my head and I’m thinking WTF!, but before I could start throwing elbows I quickly realize that it’s just Anne joining us in a surprise group hug. Handsome apparently had the same reaction I did, and I think Anne is likely oblivious to how close she came to getting pummeled. 🙂 We’re still chuckling about that one…
Interesting. I went to the Take Your Life Back Seminar for betrayed wives in Phoenix in October 2014, 9 1/2 months post discovery. It was a great experience for me, but I was completely taken aback by Brian’s denouncement of Sex Addiction as a viable diagnosis for cheating men. He simply said it was an excuse of the moment and wasn’t buying it. Since I was there for myself I didn’t really care much what Brian thought or said. I connected well with Anne (similar personality types) and with many other women. I still cherish that time. We never did the couples seminar specifically because of Brian’s opinions. Since he wasn’t familiar with how sex addiction actually works, I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to be able to “get” what we were struggling with. Our marriage wasn’t the problem and we don’t really call what BE participated in as affairs, per se. I have heard Brian’s story (also part of the wives seminar) and I get what happened with him, but his story is really really far from BE’s story and I’m not sure BE would connect well with Brian. I’m thinking Brian may have loosened up his thinking over the past four or so years? I hope so. I’m glad you got something out of it. What about Handsome? Did he find it helpful? And yep, betrayal knows no age limits. Had some of the wives been to the wive’s seminar prior to Healing from Affairs?
I think Brian has been compelled to adapt his thinking over the last few years as more and more men appeared on his doorstep with an SA diagnosis in hand. That said, I’m not sure he has fully jumped on board, but he isn’t completely dismissive of it as a concept. Since we were not there for SA help, it was of no consequence to us. In my unprofessional opinion, there were at least two other couples there where -based solely on the wife’s recounting -SA may be an issue. The information imparted was enough to flag the possibility for them.
In our case, our marriage wasn’t the issue either (Handsome’s marriage satisfaction chart is a fairly straight line in the “good” to “excellent” range), but we did have some emotional intimacy issues (his compartmentalization and just stuffing his emotions down inside). And there are clear points where boundaries were shifted and betrayals occurred, his acting out aside. Handsome’s emotional affairs may be a good example. Yes, ultimately the rampant texting with those women fed his addiction with constant daily hits and he was miserable when the hits were missing, but long before he got to that he shifted his boundary of what was acceptable with another woman to accommodate the secret friendships… a very typical affair-like thought and behavior process. It was just layered on top of the already present addiction to masturbation, porn, pic collecting, etc.
Handsome says he’s glad we went. In addition to some communication skills he found helpful, he was really moved by the vulnerability assessment. It isn’t a measure of whether your marriage is happy. It is more a measure of individual seemingly unconnected facts about your life (e.g. Do you work shifts? Have you had a significant death in your family?) that can, collectively, create vulnerability, which combined with opportunity and not talking to your spouse about it, could lead to an affair. Dr. M had covered vulnerabilities as well, but in a less detailed way.
There was also a session with betrayed wives who had healed that Handsome found helpful and which moved him. He certainly learned about betrayal trauma from Dr. M and he’s seeing it firsthand in me, but it was helpful for him to hear a number of other voices and to be able to ask them questions.
Handsome was actually really glad that he did Dr. M’s intensive first because he felt “enlightened” compared to some of the other husbands in attendance who just thought their wives needed to “get over” their affairs and who couldn’t understand why their wives struggled to trust them. I agree.
I think there were 4 or 5 wives who had been to Take Back Your Life and they all spoke glowingly of how helpful it was to them in their healing. I’m going to consider it for myself a little further down the road.
❤️
I love the word resilient. It perfectly fits you, me, and every partner choosing to heal from betrayal. I am also very proud of you for having the courage and taking the risk to attend this intensive. I also love the hope and strength that is filtering through in your words. And, since you like hugs, I will send one to you in celebration of the breakthroughs you experienced! (((Hugs)))
Thanks Cynthia! When Handsome signed us up for it I was glad and thinking “no big deal” in my head, but as the date grew closer I admit that I started to get tense and anxious. Posting here is reasonably anonymous, but sitting in a room with a (then unknown) number of other couples – even though we were all there for the same reason – seemed to be a stretch. In the end, everyone was really very supportive and it was a great experience for us. I’m glad we didn’t chicken out. 🙂
I appreciate the hugs! ❤