Today is our 13th wedding anniversary

Yep… today is lucky #13.  On my work calendar – which I must have filled out late last Fall but before DDay #1 – the date has pink and yellow highlighter all over it and “Our Anniversary!!!” scrawled across it as if it belongs to a love struck teenager rather than an actual, gainfully employed, responsible adult. (If, of course, said teenager still used a paper calendar…) It makes me sad. Then versus now.

How are we celebrating the day? We aren’t. I cannot cheer for under six months of sexual sobriety. I won’t buy a card for honoring your wedding vows recently. I do not yet wear my wedding rings. (He does.  I’ve never seen him without it. Go figure…)

I’m not trying to be an asshole about the day or wallow in self-pity. Hey, I’m still here, trying very hard each day to work through things. That is, I suppose, my way of honoring our marriage. He’s still my person, despite the horror he brought to me and our kids (literally, to our home). I can’t, however, pretend for a day that the world hasn’t shifted off its axis and that we’re all good.

Instead, my son turns 9 in two days. I’m going to focus all of my energy on him and put out of my mind how his dad’s deceit traces all the way back to before he turned 3. I’ll ignore the previous anniversaries where I thought I had something to celebrate, or the kids’ birthdays where I’m smiling in the photos because I’m oblivious to my husband’s acting out. Don’t get me wrong. I’m truly grateful that we are both committed to healing and making our marriage work. I appreciate all the work Handsome has done and is doing in that regard. I’m happy we can celebrate our son’s birthday as a united tribe, together in our home, and I’m sure it will be lovely.

It just doesn’t mean that I’m not sad too.

5 thoughts on “Today is our 13th wedding anniversary”

  1. Hugs to you on this day BW.

    I hope someday you will be able to celebrate a day (maybe a different one), that is special to you and Handsome. You do deserve to celebrate, even if it doesn’t feel like it today.

    What a special day your son will have, happy early birthday to him xo

    1. I keep telling myself -about all of the milestones thus far – that maybe next year will be better. Or different. Or even just not as awful. I have some faith in that.

      Till then… bring on the Legos and Minecraft and Pokemon!! And birthday cake, of course. It was sad to kiss him goodnight tonight knowing it’s the last hours I’ll have an 8 year old (I’m a sap, I know) but it’s a better sadness than what I’ve grown accustomed to these last few months.

  2. This brings back anniversary memories. We had our 25th less than two months in, and it was quite the mixture of emotions reaching such a milestone anniversary at the lowest part of our lives and not knowing what the next hour of any day would bring me. I was horrified at the thought of others (parents, our kids) trying to acknowledge or celebrate our anniversary in any way. Thankfully, it passed quietly since none of them lived near us.

    We got new wedding rings eventually. My husband had never worn his at all. And I had taken mine off years before. Not intentionally though. I had removed it to make hamburger patties since I didn’t want the raw meat in my ring. And then instead of putting it back on, I just put it in my jewelry box. No reason except that it obviously didn’t mean much anymore. One of the saddest parts of that story is that my husband never even noticed my bare finger until a few months into our recovery because he thought I had recently taken it off and was hurt. Now we both constantly wear our new rings. Sure, it is mostly symbolic, but it does mean a lot to me.

    1. I also had some wariness about well wishes from people who know the date. Your 25th was two months in? Wow. Nothing like the conflict between what a day represents to the outside world (fidelity, longevity, a great marriage) and what a betrayed spouse is actually thinking about their marriage so close to DDay. I can imagine that it was a confusing, sad day.

      I’m glad to hear that you are both constantly wearing your new rings! You and I have written before about the meaning and importance of our rings. I look forward to a day when I feel comfortable putting mine back on. I’m just not there yet. I occasionally wonder about him never taking his off… what does that really mean, if anything? I’ve asked him, but he seems unsure of the answer. I think he wants to believe that it means that he never abandoned the marriage, but if you’re wearing it while having sex with a skanky whore in a no-tell motel, is that even possibly legitimate? I find it to be more plausible that he just didn’t want it to be lost or stolen (which would have led to questions about why he wasn’t wearing it). I get the distinction between cheating for its own sake and acting out in an addictive cycle, but still…

      I’ll add it to my list of mysteries about this mess. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Please share if you've had a similar (or totally different!) experience on your journey.