Before DDay I’d have described myself as stable, grounded, even unflappable. I juggled pressure and stress like a circus star. On those days when I was in the midst of the tornado that is life with a crazy full time job, two kids, an elderly mom, and a law enforcement husband, if my fuse got short I was more likely to become forgetful than to snap in anger. (It’s a weird coping mechanism, and not really helpful at home or at work, but for me it beats flipping out.) These days, I’m on a much less even keel, and it’s scary and unsettling.
Say, for example, that Handsome and I manage a decent day together. Maybe we make some progress in our discussions with one another, or we have a legitimately good day. At night, we get into bed, kiss each other goodnight, and I fall asleep thinking that we’re surely going to get through this. Perhaps I even managed a decent night’s sleep for once. Then, the next morning as the sun peeks from behind the horizon, I find that I can’t bear to look at him or hear the sound of his voice. What happened in the middle of the night? Nothing. Did I learn some trickle truth or have a flurry of intrusive thoughts? Nope. And yet the disgust, rage, and hostility that I feel is real and palpable. I feel it in my chest and down through the soles of my feet. Sometimes these feelings last throughout the day, and occasionally they bleed over to the next day as well.
These mood swings (is that what they are?) are frightening for me and I’m sure they’re confusing and scary for Handsome. He doesn’t ask for much these days (so he’s not completely dim), and he is trying. I make a point to acknowledge that with some kind words of recognition when I can, and he appears to really want and need that. So he goes to bed with a hurt but reasonable person, and he wakes up with a Tazmanian devil. That has to screw with his mind. I know it’s screwing with mine because I feel like I have zero control over my emotions.
Does this sound familiar to anyone further out from DDay than I am? Do these waves dissipate over time? Or at least become more predictable? Do you just ride them out and roll with it?
It’s normal. They do diminish and get less and less. 22 months out here… and I still have no idea which wife I will be at any point in the day. But it does get better. It lessens.
Hang in there ❤️
That’s truly comforting to know, thank you! And I appreciate the affirmation of normality since I’m so often unsure what that is any longer. I don’t like to feel out of control, and this seems a lot like a bad carnival ride where the brakes have failed.
It’s the worlds worst rollercoaster. The ups and downs are crazy.
Yes, it is part of the process. I would have a nice day with my husband and immediately after would question if it was real. Psycho wife would take over. It went on for several months and as I felt more secure in my husband’s actions and sincerity, it did begin to ease up.
As Walking the Journey says, Hang in there! xoxo Dolly
That’s exactly it, Dolly. We’ll have a lovely time doing something or a great day away together and then I’ll think for a moment “it’s not like we didn’t have these experiences during the affair, and yet he cheated” and then the wheels fall off and my mood completely changes. Or I fall asleep blissfully and wake up utterly miserable. Actually, it’s more than my mood… it’s my sense of self shifting to a really dark place. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone, but it sucks that anyone has to go through this.
Your husband sounds like he has a sex addiction. They don’t all hook up with prostitutes. The texts and phone calls give them the same “high”. I hope he is being evaluated by an expert in SA. If he is diagnosed as such he will need to belong to a group run by the expert. This is an addiction that is very difficult to manage without constant good reinforcement. I might be wrong but his behaviors throughout your marriage appear to be those of an addict. ED comes from too much porn and masturbation. His sneaking online with an “old”friend is another red flag. He can’t cure himself. He needs to accept that he will always be an addict and use whatever help he can get.
Hi Moi. So, I happened to find myself in my WP “trash” folder today and found this comment in there from you along with a bunch of others I never got a chance to lay eyes on. (Not cool WordPress!!!)
In short, yes, Handsome is a sex addict. I was pondering the possibility when I started posting and then later on in our journey it became abundantly and obviously clear. I think, perhaps, from reading some of your other comments, that you and I may be in/ near the same city (if Big Ben isn’t just a clock to you) and if so you know that resources around here for SA are surprisingly scant. He’s done a long intensive with Dr. M out in LA, and he has a doc here (I’m not a big fan), but it is hard with so few options. We found a great CSAT recently, and she promptly went on maternity leave. At least we’ll be getting her back soon. 🙂
Yes absolutely relatable and at almost 1 year in form d-day #2, my feelings about him and us change often. Just when I feel better and I’m like “ok I got this!” I may get triggered (sometimes even just looking at his hands make me feel UGH) and then I’m like “nope, don’t like him now.”
I’m confident it will get better, most pain does, with time xo
Oh, I soooo relate to that. Handsome’s hands trigger me too. Where they’ve been. What they’ve touched. Blah! And, maybe oddly, his underwear. Why? Because I usually picked them out and bought them and … you get the idea. And those are things that should never have been touched, seen, etc. by anyone else. I never expected boxer briefs to be able to piss me off so very much.
I write about his underwear on my blog, once the 5th break up happened I started inspecting them…..I’ll just say that I have thrown away all of his old underwear pre d-day.
I hate that this happened, it’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me (and I’m guessing you), but it did and there’s no undoing it or really even understanding it. What they did will never be deciphered but hopefully in time, after processing the feelings of anger, betrayal and resentment, we will come to accept it (hard to believe we may get there I know). You seem to be approaching this head on (I have as well), which is incredibly strong and respectable.
I would potentially see your doctor. This is common. It’s anxiety/ptsd from an incredible shock. I had already been dealing with anxiety but it ramped x1000 after i found the underwear. After the May long weekend when he knew I knew I was a basket case. That shaking feeling in your stomach, that feeling when you’re at work that you’re kindof floating outside your skin? The vacant brain that holds no details. The shaking when people touch you even in the cafeteria line. One: up your vitamins D and Bs. They are your best friend when it comes to clarity and stress; and if you’re not eating well you aren’t getting enough. Two: ask your doctor about Ativan or another ad hoc ‘when things get really bad and you’re heart is going to burst out of your chest’ moments. Not necessarily a daily anxiety med, but something to help you if you’re triggered and need to get through an important work meeting or parent function, get something to bridge the gap.