Which wife will I be today?

Before DDay I’d have described myself as stable, grounded, even unflappable. I juggled pressure and stress like a circus star. On those days when I was in the midst of the tornado that is life with a crazy full time job, two kids, an elderly mom, and a law enforcement husband, if my fuse got short I was more likely to become forgetful than to snap in anger. (It’s a weird coping mechanism, and not really helpful at home or at work, but for me it beats flipping out.) These days, I’m on a much less even keel, and it’s scary and unsettling.

Say, for example, that Handsome and I manage a decent day together. Maybe we make some progress in our discussions with one another, or we have a legitimately good day.  At night, we get into bed, kiss each other goodnight, and I fall asleep thinking that we’re surely going to get through this. Perhaps I even managed a decent night’s sleep for once. Then, the next morning as the sun peeks from behind the horizon, I find that I can’t bear to look at him or hear the sound of his voice.  What happened in the middle of the night? Nothing. Did I learn some trickle truth or have a flurry of intrusive thoughts? Nope. And yet the disgust, rage, and hostility that I feel is real and palpable. I feel it in my chest and down through the soles of my feet. Sometimes these feelings last throughout the day, and occasionally they bleed over to the next day as well.

These mood swings (is that what they are?) are frightening for me and I’m sure they’re confusing and scary for Handsome. He doesn’t ask for much these days (so he’s not completely dim), and he is trying. I make a point to acknowledge that with some kind words of recognition when I can, and he appears to really want and need that. So he goes to bed with a hurt but reasonable person, and he wakes up with a Tazmanian devil. That has to screw with his mind. I know it’s screwing with mine because I feel like I have zero control over my emotions.

Does this sound familiar to anyone further out from DDay than I am? Do these waves dissipate over time? Or at least become more predictable? Do you just ride them out and roll with it?