If you’ve read through my posts thus far you know that until now the general timeline of Handsome’s affair was that it all started by texting in very early 2016, that sometime in the late Spring of 2016 he and the Whore had their one and only hotel tryst (although he struggled with remembering exactly when the hotel occurred, but insisted the affair didn’t start in 2015), and that from June 2016 through late November 2017, it was purely sexting and voyeurism. We worked hard together to pin down those broad dates over numerous conversations. Call it a 2-year affair, start to finish, 17 months of which was not physical. I was slowly coming to grips with that. It sucked and it was wretchedly painful, but I was getting by, willing my damaged self through each day. Wait… not so fast.
A few posts ago I made reference to our finances. We do not share credit cards. My bills are an open book (often laying on the kitchen counter), but his seemed to disappear from the house immediately after arrival. After DDay he agreed to be more open and transparent about them – and everything else – and insisted that he had nothing to hide. I realized a few days ago that I was still not seeing those bills. I know he didn’t use online accounts for any of the cards, so I set them up myself for him last week. In doing so, I accessed his statements from 1/2015 to the present. Amidst the gasoline charges and medical co-pays and the amusement park trips with the kids, there it was… the charge for the no-tell-motel… on July 1st of 2015. I found that four days ago and I don’t think that I’ve caught my breath since.
What real difference does it make? It matters to me in two ways. First, it means that the affair started pretty close to a year (a YEAR) before he said it did. It didn’t start with the hotel. It started months before then. In turn that means it was well underway at the time of our 10th wedding anniversary, and was ongoing throughout another year of milestones and vacations and experiences, all of which are now tainted too. Second, he previously admitted to being at the Whore’s house as late as May 2016. That means that the physical portion of their affair was probably more like 12-16 months, not six months. To me, both of those are real and material differences.
Handsome’s reaction to this newfound information? “Well, I told you that I really couldn’t remember when that was.”
How does an otherwise intelligent man not remember what YEAR he started an affair? Is that a legitimate subject for confusion? How does he not remember screwing his whore in a fleabag motel just days before his summer vacation with his family? If he felt as guilty as he says he did, why wasn’t that on his mind throughout the entire trip (thus burning it into his brain)? How can someone “forget” that?
Thinking this mess went on for two years is bad enough, but another year on top of that? Our youngest was in preschool then, which seems like a lifetime ago when I look at him now. He was still enough of a baby to sleep with his butt up in the air back then, and now – three years later – he’s my super cool surfer dude/ Minecraft expert. His growth is a painful, heartrending illustration of how very, very long the lies and deceit went on. I feel suffocated by the duration of this deceit.